[232stang]

my mom emailed these to me. i thought they were some funny clean jokes to say around inlaws or gf's parents, or anyone

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple o f eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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[BWAL]

that gonorrhea joke had me on the floor

[MSO]

hahahahahhahahahah

the lottery one and the driving one are the funniest IMO

tell ur mom she finds good jokes lol

[Luis_GT]

The Driving one was the best.

[Youngin]

freaking mencia ... WHY IS THE 14YR OLD LATINA PREGNANT? BECAUSE THE TEACHER SAID GO DO AN ESSAY

[Steamboat 16]

So jimmy and bob (Twin Brothers) decide to cuss in front of their parents for the first time, so jimmy says to bob, what are you going to say bob. bob replies, goddamn. what are you going to say Jimmy? jimmy replies, I'm going to say, Fuck and Hell.

so the brothers go down stairs for breakfast and their mom asks Bob what he wants for breakfast. bob says, oh i don't know, just give me some goddamn cheerios. so their father smacks him upside the head and sends him to his room.

so then the mother and father turn to Jimmy. the mom asks, alright jimmy and what do you want for breakfast? Jimmy replies, well i sure as hell don't want any fucking cheerios.

[MustangMatt96GT]

lol steamboat that one is good! lol

[Darwin]

Cut & Paste

Dog Food Diet:

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid lady...why else would I buy dog food??