[Drgnracin72]

WARNING: Do not consume liquids while reading this... Fluids may shootout of your nose!!!

The Taser

Classic...don't tell me you can read this without laughing...

(Only a guy would do this!)

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
anniversary submitted this :
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & amp;Pawn Shop I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed
to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea
is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to
retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was
working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new
toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and ************, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second d burst when you zap
yourself.

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little
wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
return.

Still in shock, Steven.

[00vabchgt]

lol.
i'm a fan of the 10% rule: you must be at least 10% smarter than the equipment you are trying to operate in order to be successful...
Taser:1
Steven:0

[thetrooper31]

lol

[Tony_90fox]

i think Bwal has his testicles.

[shamdoodie]

i appreciate this. I have needed a good laugh all day and i definitely feel better now.

[TurboLX]

I thought he was gonna hit the cat, now that woulda been hilarious

[Luis_GT]

Lmfao!!!!!

[BWAL]

Originally Posted by Tony_90fox i think Bwal has his testicles.

dude i'm the fucking taser genie genital pirate.

i have a computer in my room that keeps records of everybody who owns a taser, and when they're about to use it, i go to their house and steal their testicles while they're out cold

[GreenFaleen]

Originally Posted by TurboLX I thought he was gonna hit the cat, now that woulda been hilarious

uhh bye bye kitty?

[RavensChild]

Originally Posted by BWAL09 dude i'm the fucking taser genie genital pirate. i have a computer in my room that keeps records of everybody who owns a taser, and when they're about to use it, i go to their house and steal their testicles while they're out cold

i believe it.

funny story laughed so hard

[hidethedetails]

Ahaha. Thats a guy for ya.

[RavensChild]

Originally Posted by hidethedetails Ahaha. Thats a guy for ya.

exactly....get a few friends, a dog shock collar...you have yourself some great laughs for a little while......trust me

[B0B]

lol thats so awesome!! i love putting peanut butter on the electric fly swatter. shocking my friends dumb ass dog is so funny! those little electric fly swatters hurt pretty bad

[TurboLX]

ive done the dog collar, lets just say ill never do that again

[B0B]

ive dont it with a dog collar, not on my neck though, it was on my hand and they hurt

[06RedfireGT]

You are the Steven in the story aren't you?

[WilltheThrill]

Originally Posted by TurboLX I thought he was gonna hit the cat, now that woulda been hilarious

that would not have been funny. those tasers are designed for a grown human body. if he hit that cat with the taser, it could have possibly done some real damage.

[MSO]

seen it coming

only funny part is when he was thinkin about tasing the cat

[TurboLX]

exactly!^

[97Cobra]

lmao sides hurty! hahahahahahahaha

I would of done it to a friend as a prank to see his reaction 1st.