[FaStStAnG5-0]

ok everyone post your jokes in here.... lets hear em! keep it going!!!

Johnny wanted to have sex with a blonde girl in his office, but she
belonged to someone else.One day Johnny got so frustrated that he
went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you'll have sex
with me.The girl said, "NO!!"Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I promise.
Tell y'what, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and
I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."She thought for amoment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend (she's
blonde, remember). She called her boyfriend and told him the
story.The boyfriend said, "Tell him it's $200, then pick up the
money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."She
agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the
boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45
minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened...... Gasping,
she said, "The bastard used quarters!"



A pretty, young, blonde woman in Vancouver was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning. If you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her waist and added, I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The blonde nodded. What did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in the bowels of the ship. From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit every night, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, the blonde was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii and in return he's screwing me."

He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Nanaimo ferry."




The husband store...

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the
shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may
choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1- These men Have Jobs.


The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely
Good Looking.


"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Good Looking and Help With Housework.


"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong
Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that
women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping
at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.


The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[00SoSlow]

haha those are all good

[WAVEBYE]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies' expense. Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"


ROFL!

[TIESTOS]

2 baby seals walk into a club

[MSO]

quarters that one is good

[rednsilver91]

ha ha those were funny!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."



On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"