[Black02GT]

How To Poop At Work:
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our work area and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.



CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.



FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER . People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.



ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.



JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.



COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.



WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.



OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is **** proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.



THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.



SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.



TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.



CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.



ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.



WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.



SHOE IDENTITY: No peeking at the shoes next door, unless you have a suspected DWTH (doesn't wash their hands). In this case check the shoes to avoid YUCK situations as a result of a DWTH coworker. YUCK Situations: Shaking hands with or eating chips, candy... where a DWTH coworker just grabbed a handful.



GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.



CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.



WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feel sunwiped, so you have to put toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.



SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.



POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-Head POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.



LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.



GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy that everyone within earshot is giggling.



DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.



CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.



"GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE" POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.



SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.



WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.



THE DANGLING POOPIE: The poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.



THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops*...a poopie!

[ChrisJ]

Old but good...

[ReverendDexter]

rofl

Anyone else have the issue where when you're in a stall, you have to be DEAD SILENT if anyone else is in the bathroom?

Then you get some asshole that goes in the stall next to yours... only realizing that you're there after it's too late and their pants are down, turning into either
a) a mexican standoff of silence, until one of you ruptures your colon
b) a game of battle-shits, where you're intentionally as loud and disgusting as you can be.


I know, I know... TMI

[MustanG_guy17]

[87foxbodylx]

Originally Posted by ReverendDexter rofl Anyone else have the issue where when you're in a stall, you have to be DEAD SILENT if anyone else is in the bathroom? Then you get some asshole that goes in the stall next to yours... only realizing that you're there after it's too late and their pants are down, turning into either a) a mexican standoff of silence, until one of you ruptures your colon b) a game of battle-shits, where you're intentionally as loud and disgusting as you can be. I know, I know... TMI

that has gay written all over it...

[06RedfireGT]

Originally Posted by ReverendDexter a) a mexican standoff of silence, until one of you ruptures your colon b) a game of battle-shits, where you're intentionally as loud and disgusting as you can be.

Good stuff.

[Trance]

ahaha... laughing... was kinda boring and then picked up nicely

[347stroker]

Its more like a competition at my station

[mustangrebuilder]

old but will always be funny lol

[Black02GT]

lol my favorite is crop dusting.

[k2boarder3187]

i love pooping at work, you know why cuz it WASTES TIME

[347stroker]

There is really no feeling better than getting paid to poop huh, besides sleep.

[Luis_GT]

Fuck... I should'nt have held my piss while reading this

[Tony_90fox]

haha i feel like a comedian everytime i piss in a urinal because i always let off a few...I disagree with not laughing...farting has always been funny to me.

[Ninjawafers!]

[TheUNZippee!]

Originally Posted by ChrisJ Old but good...

Thanks!