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post #1 of 30 Old May 24th, 2009, 02:12 AM Thread Starter
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More Problems... *sigh*

So my last thread was regarding a girl and what to do. Well I still have a lot of shit I'm dealing with and still need some help if you guys are willing A few months ago I hit rock fucking bottom. An all time low in my life full of anxiety, depression and the like. It all started going downhill in Sept '07 when I found out the girl I was dating was prego. Our relationship at that point in time wasn't bad, just no spark. I didn't feel the way I used to and had considered breaking up for a bit. When I found out she got pregnant, I decided that I would do the best I could to keep this relationship alive so I could give the best life I could to my kid. *Some of this may sound familiar to a few of you long termers lol.* Things immediately started looking up. Madi and I were seemingly falling in love all over again. It was amazing! I was still nervous as hell about having a kid, but I remember hearing the heart beat for the first time. Now that I could really give a sense of being to my child I felt better about it. January 12, first ultra sound. TWINS!!! A boy, whom we named Luke, and a girl whom we named Holly. I couldn't believe it! I was having twins! Now emotions were flying even higher! Early Feb, second ultrasound. Holly had passed away for an unknown reason soon after the first ultrasound. This weighed heavily on us both. Soon after this, Madi went on bed rest because she started to go into labor at only five months because her body realized what had happened and was trying to get rid of Holly. Well Luke was born 4/2/2008, 7 weeks early and spent 6 weeks in the NICU. Middle of May Luke and Madi finally joined me at our new apartment in Denver and I was now about 9 months into a new job as well. Well unfortunately things didn't work out like I had hoped. Madi was still upset about losing Holly and was falling further and further into a depression that not even I could help her with. I tried, but it wasn't enough. I encouraged her to go see groups that help with this. I even offered to accompany her. She always said ok and said it was a good idea, but never acted on her word. Well, things were just slowly getting worse and worse. She then started suffering the delusion that I was in love with one of my ex's that I actually hadn't talked to in years and had no feelings for. We were arguing constantly about this...

*OK breather time lol* So I was stressed out over raising a kid, losing a kid, and having to deal with Madi's woes, and money was tight because Madi worked very little and watched Luke a majority of the time while I was working. (Forgot to mention my mustang was repoed in Feb '08 because I was paying my dad and he would pay the bill because the bill was in his name. Well he stopped paying the bill 'cause of his own selfish issues.)

Then Oct. rolled around. Relationship still as shitty as ever. The stock market crashes... People at Qwest are losing jobs left and right. Just one more thing for me to stress about. I had a GF and a son depending on me "bring home the bacon" and I was now at risk of losing my job. How was I dealing with all this stress? The Gym. I was in great shape, weighed 190 lbs and am 6'2". Well Dec comes around and I have my first panic attack ever about 20 min after breakfast (vomiting, dizziness, tingling sensation all over, paranoid). I'm home alone with my son and had no idea what the fuck was going on. My biggest fear was that I was going down and no one would be there to watch my son. So I called 911 and they showed up promptly. Hooked me up to the ol' EKG monitor. Heart rate, VERY mildly high at 72. Blood pressure, EXTREMELY high at 160/120. They said I could go with them to the hospital, or not go and sign a waiver. I opted not to go because by this time I was feeling better. So, still not knowing what the hell happened I immediately associated this feeling with food since it happened soon after breakfast. I then became leery about eating because what I experienced was the scariest thing to date. It was nothing too out of control, but sort of a beginning of the end, if you will. Jan 12 '09, the day I will remember for the rest my life. I am in my living room watching my son after Madi and I had a small, seemingly insignificant, argument. After said argument, unbeknownst to me, Madi grabbed the unopened bottle of wine out of the fridge and headed for our bedroom. She reappeared an hour later with an empty wine bottle (a little info on Madi: 5'4" 110lbs and never drinks = alcohol tolerance negative). She starts raging at me about my ex and how she fucking hates her, me and our daughter Holly and how she wanted to die. She then lunges at me, uppercuts me, chips a tooth, breaks my glasses, and leaves scratches on my chest that were no more than 1 or 2 layers of skin away from blood. All this before I can react (she's was the fastest drunk I'd ever seen). Once I regain myself, I grab her wrists, take her to the ground and hold her there, get right in her face and yell at her to KNOCK-IT-OFF. After hold her there for a few minutes she seemed to be settling down so I let her go. WRONG. She starts in it again, only difference is I wasn't being hit. She then runs to the kitchen, grabs the bleach from under the sink and threatens to drink it... ALL of it. I grab the bleach away (yes, all of this is going on while I'm keeping an eye on Luke too...). After I get the beach away from her she reaches for the knife set on the counter. A grab hold of her arm inches before she got a knife and, once again, brought her to the ground. The plan now was to sit until she was either sober or passed out. Well minutes later the cops show up, courtesy of the neighbors. Madi runs for the bedroom (she was topless) and I answer the door thinking "FUCK, I'm going to jail". Cops come in, do their thing and, to my relief, arrested Madi. Simply put I BROKE - DOWN. I called my brother and cried to him on the phone for what felt like hours (Madi's dad actually had the nerve to call me the next day and tell me, not ask, to bail Madi out. I told him to fuck off and ended that conversation in a hurry). From this point on my life was a STEEP downward spiral. I fell into a pretty intense depression and my anxiety that had been bugging me EXPLODED. I wasn't eating a thing, half a sandwich a day... maybe. On top of all this shit, it finally happened. Laid off Jan 26... I lost 40 lbs in 2 months, dropped down to 150 lbs.

Well with most of that shit said and done. Court stuff is done, for the most part. I am still struggling with anxieties. Although not as bad as it used to be, it still prevents me from living the life I used to. I used to get panic attacks multiple times per day. Pretty much EVERY meal. I haven't had a panic attack since around my birthday (March 17), but I still get anxious every time I go to eat something. I need some help dealing with this. I do have my good days though, where I hardly notice my anxiety at all. But on the other side of things I also have my days where I feel very helpless, worthless, unattractive, and like I'm never going to get over my problems. Any of you guys dealing or dealt with anything related to this? Iím at a loss of what to do and I can't really afford to go see anyone professional about this. Plus from my experience here, you guys do a damn good job of supporting someone in need

Sorry this post was forever and a day long lol. I know it's a lot to read, so if anyone needs any clarification, please let me know. Any input is graciously appreciated. Thanks.

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If anyone has any feedback on my other post, here it is:
https://www.moddedmustangs.com/forums...me-advice.html

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Originally Posted by TheUNZippee! View Post
So I don't focus on my mistakes. What keeps me going? I look in the mirror and I am PROUD that I will do WHATEVER it takes to provide for my family. Whatever it takes.
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post #2 of 30 Old May 24th, 2009, 02:17 AM
 
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one suggestion.... fucking cliffnotes!

j/k man just keep your head up
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post #3 of 30 Old May 24th, 2009, 02:24 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by mustangsoldier View Post
one suggestion.... fucking cliffnotes!

j/k man just keep your head up
lol sorry, got a lot on my chest/mind/...penis?

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Originally Posted by TheUNZippee! View Post
So I don't focus on my mistakes. What keeps me going? I look in the mirror and I am PROUD that I will do WHATEVER it takes to provide for my family. Whatever it takes.
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post #4 of 30 Old May 24th, 2009, 02:25 AM
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Go see a doctor. no if, ands or buts about it. if you need help with funds we can get something goin on MM as we have done many times in the past.

listen bro. you may not think these things are too serious, but they are. we can give you all the advice in the world, but you need to see a specialist... do you have insurance? if so go see your doctor then get a referral.

if you still decide not to go see a doctor, andy time you start to feel anxious, slow your breathing down and slowly count to 10. this will help relax you. if you can, pinpoint why you are acting anxious. if you ever feel like you need to just let it all out, do it. dont hesitate and dont hold it in. it will only make things worse.

try my advice and see how things go. we in the military (especially us holding a supervisory rank) are trained yearly on these issues to notice things and take care of our people. i hope HMUSN will post and give more guidance... and HM should have more knowledge on this subject.
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post #5 of 30 Old May 24th, 2009, 02:29 AM Thread Starter
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BTW I have gained 15 lbs back on eating alone and plan on hittin' the gym again soon. I'm not a total mess like I used to be, but I'm nowhere near where I want to be.

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So I don't focus on my mistakes. What keeps me going? I look in the mirror and I am PROUD that I will do WHATEVER it takes to provide for my family. Whatever it takes.
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post #6 of 30 Old May 24th, 2009, 02:35 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by 3.8Coastie View Post
if you can, pinpoint why you are acting anxious.
This I already know the answer to. I feel anxious when I eat. What causes my anxiety is a (self diagnosed) phoebia called toxiphobia (the fear of being drugged or poisoned). I love and trust my family to death (moved back in with my parents after Madi went to jail) so I know they never would anything to hurt me. What I worry as that some disgruntled employee chose to fuck with the food that I was so unfortunate to purchase. I know it sounds crazy and ridiculous. I hate that I feel this way. I've gone 23 years with no problems with food, but that's the problem with a phoebia. By definition it is an (keyword) IRRATIONAL fear of something. I just can't seem to get over it and it stresses me the hell out.

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So I don't focus on my mistakes. What keeps me going? I look in the mirror and I am PROUD that I will do WHATEVER it takes to provide for my family. Whatever it takes.
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post #7 of 30 Old May 24th, 2009, 02:41 AM
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i see... do the slow breathing with deep breaths and count slowly to 10.. that should relax you. try it and see if that helps you any
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post #8 of 30 Old May 24th, 2009, 03:00 AM
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dude im sorry that you are going through this shit, and everything you have gone through, i just wish you the best of luck. I would love to offer some advice but to tell you the truth i really dont know to much to help you and dont want to beat around the bush. But i wish you the very best and want you to get through this all. I couldnt read all this and not post something.



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post #9 of 30 Old May 24th, 2009, 03:12 AM
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This I already know the answer to. I feel anxious when I eat. What causes my anxiety is a (self diagnosed) phoebia called toxiphobia (the fear of being drugged or poisoned). I love and trust my family to death (moved back in with my parents after Madi went to jail) so I know they never would anything to hurt me. What I worry as that some disgruntled employee chose to fuck with the food that I was so unfortunate to purchase. I know it sounds crazy and ridiculous. I hate that I feel this way. I've gone 23 years with no problems with food, but that's the problem with a phoebia. By definition it is an (keyword) IRRATIONAL fear of something. I just can't seem to get over it and it stresses me the hell out.
Just reading through all you wrote, IMO its not the eating or toxiphobia that is causing your anxiety...those are just triggering whatever is deeper rooted. Your first serious panic attack did happen after you ate, but look at all the other terrible things you had to deal with at the time. The human mind is beyond complex, its not always about something physically happening to trigger a melt down. As coastie said, I would also recommend seeking professional help. You saw the road that Madi went down, that same road could happen to you...the mind when not taken care of can be a true ticking time bomb. But I must emphasize this part...professional help only works, if your willing to let it work. Sorry that you have had to deal with all of that, but like the saying "what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger" goes live life, you only get one chance at it.
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post #10 of 30 Old May 24th, 2009, 03:19 AM
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as dude496 just said.. it could be something deeper rooted... one thing im thinking it might be is that you unconsciously remember your first real big panic attack being after you ate and your brain automatically associates that with eating, resulting in said anxiety attacks happening only after you eat. you could have also developed the phobia you mentioned after the big panic attack... from what im thinking it all goes back to the original attack and you are unconsciously worrying about it every time you eat and then the anxiety attacks happen.
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post #11 of 30 Old May 24th, 2009, 11:28 AM
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Busher. Obviously this is not an easy answer.

You know how when guys are young, us older assholes are always saying things like "Do NOT get involved in a relationship yet" or "Do NOT get married yet" or "Get your career going first"?

There's a reason for that. Life is difficult. Relationships are difficult. It's hard to convey to younger people just how hard it can really be. I guess the bottom line is, you can't really understand until everything is on your shoulders.


But I get it. I'll give you the briefest synopsis of my life that I can. Note that some of this may be fictional material added for emphasis and cannot be used against me in a court of law.

I've not told a lot of this to people on this forum, some of it no one knows....assuming all this is real.


At 14, I start working. Full time, 60+ hours a week.
I get addicted to the money, and my schooling suffers.
At 17 I start smoking dope. Lots and lots of dope.
At 18 it becomes apparent I cannot use the University scholarship my parents spent 20 years paying for. They sell it for 20% of it's value.
I officially do not get my HS diploma.
Still 18, I am at least working towards my mechanic's ticket. I am 2 years away from finishing my apprenticeship when I write my 1968 Beaumont off. In a fit of rage, I quit my job the next day.
I start driving tow trucks soon after.....dope intake goes up, and now I'm hanging around....people of questionable repute.
I'm making good money, but fist fighting in the street and having guns pulled on me is wearing on me. So is seeing dead people.
I meet my wife.
In less than a year, she is pregnant.
Realizing that tow trucks are not the place to be with a baby on board, I quit that, take up with an older Scottish friend and we begin at ground level with a paper recycling company that is just starting up....just prior to starting there, our daughter is born.
We work there for 6 weeks for free. We sleep sometimes in piles of paper....working 16, 18, 20 hours, building and learning machines...then sleeping for a few hours and going right back at it.
Finally start getting paid.
Company runs good for about a year, but the three owners are bickering...and misusing funds.
Company attempts to merge with another like company in.....somewhere in the US let's say.
Those people fuck us, we enter bankruptcy.
I burn our factory, 50k square feet of paper in it, to the ground.
Soon after, my brother-in-law starts teaching me how to drive truck. Big trucks.
I run with him for two months, then buy his Western Star and carry on with the company he was leased on to.
I buy my first house.
They fuck me over left, right, and center. I begin to get paychecks with single digit numbers on them...and I OWN MY OWN TRUCK. I should be making a minimum of 3k a week. Soon I start getting paychecks where I OWE the company money.
2 years after, my cars get repossessed. Our house goes into foreclosure.
Miraculously, through friends and family, I am able to keep my house.
For three Christmases in a row, I am unable to buy my wife and daughter so much as a card.
Eventually I lose the big truck, unable to make the 2k/month payments.
I buy a ridiculously overpriced tractor from the company, just to stay working. With my limited experience, I cannot just go drive anywhere.
I finally get a decent job as a company driver for a large American based carrier. I put three years in there, three decent years, and then land my current job.
Due to not finishing school, getting fucked around by my first trucking company, and us not being great with money, we constantly struggle to pay bills.
Late 90's, my wife contracts a rare blood disorder and requires multiple plasma transfusions. Almost lose her. She has a minor stroke. This happens again in the early 00's, and again late last year.
I cash in half of my life's savings to keep from losing everything.
Along the way, our daughter finds a lump in her breast and requires surgery. Fortunately it's just a fibrous benign entity. Still, the day of her surgery, I collapse to the floor as they wheel her away.


And we go on.....our daughter is ready for college, but I can't help pay for it yet because we suck with money. I wonder how different my life could be, had I finished school, had I been better with money.....

and then I stop myself. I fucking stop myself.

Yeah. I've made mistakes.

But I'm a man. A fucking man. At the end of the day, I've always done what I have to. I drive 240 miles to get to work, so that my family didn't have to relocate. In the winter, it sometimes takes me 6,7, 8 hours to get home. Been doing this for 12 years. I work a minimum of 60 hours a week.....plus my drive, I put in 70+ hours a week. Not some weeks. Not most weeks. EVERY FUCKING WEEK.

And I never complain about it. My house suffers at times, as I am too tired and have not enough time to take care of it properly, but we get buy. Along the way I managed to put new windows, new roof, and doors on it...new hot water heater, gas heating....I'm fuckin broke, brother, but my family has a decent house. It ain't gonna win a better homes and gardens contest, but it's MY house and I pay for it.


So I don't focus on my mistakes. What keeps me going? I look in the mirror and I am PROUD that I will do WHATEVER it takes to provide for my family. Whatever it takes.

I would work at McDonald's in the morning, Burger King in the afternoon, and Wendy's at night if I had to. I'll shovel shit. I'll do....things I shouldn't do.

But I get by.



So, Busher, what can I tell you brother. There is no magic answer. You have been dealt some shitty cards. Some shittier than mine. This is life.

But guess what you have at the end of the day. A beautiful child.

So this is where you truly become a man. Take a breath, look in the mirror, come up with a plan, and do whatever you have to do to provide for that little girl.

And most importantly, take care of yourself, or else you can't take care of anything else.

Eat. Exercise. Sleep as much as possible. And NEVER second guess yourself. Even when you make mistakes.

Talk to family and friends. Don't be afraid to cry over shit. Read books. Go talk to a professional. Do whatever you have to do.

The overwhelming feeling is normal. You must find a way to deal, for your daughter's sake.



Best of luck man.



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post #12 of 30 Old May 24th, 2009, 11:42 AM
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Sounds like you need associative therapy. You associate food as a bad thing because something bad happened after you ate. Try eating then rewarding yourself. This should eventually bring you out of the negative mental state you go into when associating food and "bad."

Life is rough, luckily there are people out there including myself that are here to help you get through it. No one can carry you, as you must do this yourself, but I'll be glad to pick you right back up again when you take a fall. There is a famous saying: " if you fall, look not at where you fell, but at where you first stumbled." As for the child, do you have full custody? What is the info regarding that situation, because the child is the most important part of this picture hands down. If you need to talk feel free to shoot me a PM.




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post #13 of 30 Old May 24th, 2009, 12:05 PM
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listen to Zip and HMUSN. as you can tell Zip has plenty of life experiences and has been down the hard road himself... while Doc has been trained on situations like this
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post #14 of 30 Old May 24th, 2009, 12:20 PM
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Man....you have had a super rough way to go Busher....but - this too shall pass. And in it's place, you will have joys and sorrows in it's place.

Life sucks sometimes....but more often than not, there are joys.

The key to happiness?

FIND IT - MAKE IT.

You are never going to be given these things....you have to look for them, they are subtle. You have to make them for yourself and your family.

Zippy is right - as usual - you have to do these things for Luke. He's depending on you. And maybe this is the cause of your stress. But you must find a way to deal with that.

Look in your area for a Single Father's group. There is probably some type of group - check the YMCA as well.

Find someone close to you that has been through something similar that can help you.

VALIDATION is key. Having someone tell you as a third party - this is normal. As fucked up as it all seems - it's not so unusual.


I've been there. I've been in a position where I'm sitting there talking to a professional mental health therapist (marriage counseling) when she says one key phrase that "jerks" my back into reality. After that, it all seemed like a bad dream and the future seemed so very clear.

It was a hard road and a lot of it I had to do alone. 2 small kids - my son was 5 1/2 and my daughter was 5 mos old when I packed up a diaper bag and some bottles and left in the night.

Sucked hard but it was the best thing I ever did for my babies.

I don't have the answers you are looking for but I can tell you with 100% certainty you need to find someone professional to speak with. Keep asking until you find someone that will do it for a reduced fee. They're out there. Check the larger cities and find someone. Search Google and see what you can come up with.

Do it for Luke - but do it also for yourself so you can be strong for him.

We're here for you.


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post #15 of 30 Old May 24th, 2009, 12:22 PM
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I'm a single father as well man, like I said, if you need to talk I am open.




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post #16 of 30 Old May 26th, 2009, 12:28 PM Thread Starter
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WOW thanks guys! Lots of good advice. This is exactly why this site is so awesome. People that know mustangs, but also people who give a shit about some else they don't even know . My deepest gratitude to all those who care. PMs will be sent

PS Zip...
I have a son lol

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So I don't focus on my mistakes. What keeps me going? I look in the mirror and I am PROUD that I will do WHATEVER it takes to provide for my family. Whatever it takes.
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post #17 of 30 Old May 26th, 2009, 12:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheBusher View Post
WOW thanks guys! Lots of good advice. This is exactly why this site is so awesome. People that know mustangs, but also people who give a shit about some else they don't even know . My deepest gratitude to all those who care. PMs will be sent

PS Zip...
I have a son lol
Yeah. I musta typed daughter because she was on my mind as I was typing.



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post #18 of 30 Old May 26th, 2009, 12:35 PM Thread Starter
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That's ok man. No harm, no foul. Although Luke is gonna be upset for a while. He thought he was past the stage of being confused with a girl

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So I don't focus on my mistakes. What keeps me going? I look in the mirror and I am PROUD that I will do WHATEVER it takes to provide for my family. Whatever it takes.
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post #19 of 30 Old May 26th, 2009, 12:40 PM
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Be a man and suck it is up.

Also, you need some cliff notes.

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post #20 of 30 Old May 26th, 2009, 12:47 PM
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