So my last thread was regarding a girl and what to do. Well I still have a lot of shit I'm dealing with and still need some help if you guys are willing
A few months ago I hit rock fucking bottom. An all time low in my life full of anxiety, depression and the like. It all started going downhill in Sept '07 when I found out the girl I was dating was prego. Our relationship at that point in time wasn't bad, just no spark. I didn't feel the way I used to and had considered breaking up for a bit. When I found out she got pregnant, I decided that I would do the best I could to keep this relationship alive so I could give the best life I could to my kid. *Some of this may sound familiar to a few of you long termers lol.* Things immediately started looking up. Madi and I were seemingly falling in love all over again. It was amazing! I was still nervous as hell about having a kid, but I remember hearing the heart beat for the first time. Now that I could really give a sense of being to my child I felt better about it. January 12, first ultra sound. TWINS!!! A boy, whom we named Luke, and a girl whom we named Holly. I couldn't believe it! I was having twins! Now emotions were flying even higher! Early Feb, second ultrasound. Holly had passed away for an unknown reason soon after the first ultrasound. This weighed heavily on us both. Soon after this, Madi went on bed rest because she started to go into labor at only five months because her body realized what had happened and was trying to get rid of Holly. Well Luke was born 4/2/2008, 7 weeks early and spent 6 weeks in the NICU. Middle of May Luke and Madi finally joined me at our new apartment in Denver and I was now about 9 months into a new job as well. Well unfortunately things didn't work out like I had hoped. Madi was still upset about losing Holly and was falling further and further into a depression that not even I could help her with. I tried, but it wasn't enough. I encouraged her to go see groups that help with this. I even offered to accompany her. She always said ok and said it was a good idea, but never acted on her word. Well, things were just slowly getting worse and worse. She then started suffering the delusion that I was in love with one of my ex's that I actually hadn't talked to in years and had no feelings for. We were arguing constantly about this...
*OK breather time lol* So I was stressed out over raising a kid, losing a kid, and having to deal with Madi's woes, and money was tight because Madi worked very little and watched Luke a majority of the time while I was working. (Forgot to mention my mustang was repoed in Feb '08 because I was paying my dad and he would pay the bill because the bill was in his name. Well he stopped paying the bill 'cause of his own selfish issues.)
Then Oct. rolled around. Relationship still as shitty as ever. The stock market crashes... People at Qwest are losing jobs left and right. Just one more thing for me to stress about. I had a GF and a son depending on me "bring home the bacon" and I was now at risk of losing my job. How was I dealing with all this stress? The Gym. I was in great shape, weighed 190 lbs and am 6'2". Well Dec comes around and I have my first panic attack ever about 20 min after breakfast (vomiting, dizziness, tingling sensation all over, paranoid). I'm home alone with my son and had no idea what the fuck was going on. My biggest fear was that I was going down and no one would be there to watch my son. So I called 911 and they showed up promptly. Hooked me up to the ol' EKG monitor. Heart rate, VERY mildly high at 72. Blood pressure, EXTREMELY high at 160/120. They said I could go with them to the hospital, or not go and sign a waiver. I opted not to go because by this time I was feeling better. So, still not knowing what the hell happened I immediately associated this feeling with food since it happened soon after breakfast. I then became leery about eating because what I experienced was the scariest thing to date. It was nothing too out of control, but sort of a beginning of the end, if you will. Jan 12 '09, the day I will remember for the rest my life. I am in my living room watching my son after Madi and I had a small, seemingly insignificant, argument. After said argument, unbeknownst to me, Madi grabbed the unopened bottle of wine out of the fridge and headed for our bedroom. She reappeared an hour later with an empty wine bottle (a little info on Madi: 5'4" 110lbs and never drinks = alcohol tolerance negative). She starts raging at me about my ex and how she fucking hates her, me and our daughter Holly and how she wanted to die. She then lunges at me, uppercuts me, chips a tooth, breaks my glasses, and leaves scratches on my chest that were no more than 1 or 2 layers of skin away from blood. All this before I can react (she's was the fastest drunk I'd ever seen). Once I regain myself, I grab her wrists, take her to the ground and hold her there, get right in her face and yell at her to KNOCK-IT-OFF. After hold her there for a few minutes she seemed to be settling down so I let her go. WRONG. She starts in it again, only difference is I wasn't being hit. She then runs to the kitchen, grabs the bleach from under the sink and threatens to drink it... ALL of it. I grab the bleach away (yes, all of this is going on while I'm keeping an eye on Luke too...). After I get the beach away from her she reaches for the knife set on the counter. A grab hold of her arm inches before she got a knife and, once again, brought her to the ground. The plan now was to sit until she was either sober or passed out. Well minutes later the cops show up, courtesy of the neighbors. Madi runs for the bedroom (she was topless) and I answer the door thinking "FUCK, I'm going to jail". Cops come in, do their thing and, to my relief, arrested Madi. Simply put I BROKE - DOWN. I called my brother and cried to him on the phone for what felt like hours (Madi's dad actually had the nerve to call me the next day and tell me, not ask, to bail Madi out. I told him to fuck off and ended that conversation in a hurry). From this point on my life was a STEEP downward spiral. I fell into a pretty intense depression and my anxiety that had been bugging me EXPLODED. I wasn't eating a thing, half a sandwich a day... maybe. On top of all this shit, it finally happened. Laid off Jan 26... I lost 40 lbs in 2 months, dropped down to 150 lbs.
Well with most of that shit said and done. Court stuff is done, for the most part. I am still struggling with anxieties. Although not as bad as it used to be, it still prevents me from living the life I used to. I used to get panic attacks multiple times per day. Pretty much EVERY meal. I haven't had a panic attack since around my birthday (March 17), but I still get anxious every time I go to eat something. I need some help dealing with this. I do have my good days though, where I hardly notice my anxiety at all. But on the other side of things I also have my days where I feel very helpless, worthless, unattractive, and like I'm never going to get over my problems. Any of you guys dealing or dealt with anything related to this? Iím at a loss of what to do and I can't really afford to go see anyone professional about this. Plus from my experience here, you guys do a damn good job of supporting someone in need
Sorry this post was forever and a day long lol. I know it's a lot to read, so if anyone needs any clarification, please let me know. Any input is graciously appreciated. Thanks.
If anyone has any feedback on my other post, here it is: