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Endangered Species
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Well guys, this is another one of those threads where you should put your rubber boots on before entering, because it's full of ****. Here is a brief rundown of said ****. My ex girlfriend and I had been dating since I was 20 (she was 19) until the 26th of August. I am now 25, and she's 24. So all in all 4 years and 8 months in total...now for the backstory.

I found the woman of my dreams, she was my definition of perfection, we met in community college and ended up together within weeks and hit it off. She was Ukrainian, an orphan, and had come over to the US at age 14, and was adopted by a religious cultist military family. I saw her through these rough times because I loved her even though they rejected me, and she was eventually readopted as an adult by her current family.

We had a solid 2 years of amazing times, I absolutely adored this woman, and she adored me just as much. I was willing to do anything for her because she meant the world to me. Well fast forward to us moving to our University in August 2014, we got an apartment together and I started a new job working nights. We had already had a few squabbles by this point, but nothing major and we got over it. Once I started the night job though she would complain about me not being there for her, I would sleep all day due to exhaustion, and in general my life was full of more stress and I fell into a pattern of being a total asshat to her without even realizing it for the rest of our time there, but we still had plenty of good times and we still loved each other.

Once our lease ended at that apartment, we moved to another one up the road that was much better quality for us, and continued on with school. Well things got worse, after the first couple weeks things started falling apart, and I was still that a-hole, and she ended up changing to be more snappy and irritated with me on a more frequent basis, yet we still had those good times here and there and still felt for each other.

Fast forward to March of this year, things hit a point where they were at a happy medium, with equal good and bad times happening. Eventually we get to around July, her birthday month. We have constantly gotten into petty arguments and thrown the "I'm done" card around like ridiculous children; something we both learned from. But she essentially started trying to move on it appeared. This got progressively worse into August to the point where she was completely avoiding me and there was no physical contact. I realized that what we had was in critical stages of failing, and had an epiphany; I realized I needed to turn my **** around and stop letting life get in the way of the woman of my dreams being happy and appreciated.

So me being me, I put in 110% into trying to win her heart over and secure the relationship. She fed into it, and made me feel like there was a chance, but continuously said "Don't get your hopes up". Well about one week after trying my hardest and putting my whole heart into it, I still had a feeling something was wrong...

I managed to get into her phone one night, and went into her text messages. That was where my former self died, on the spot. She is a pretty, white Ukrainian girl, quite intelligent and sweet and caring, but I discovered she had been cheating on me during those past two weeks with her Manager at work...who's a 350 lb fat black asshole from Queens, NY. The problem here was that I used to work where she does, doing security, and I got her the job there; I left the place for my current job which is way better, but she remained and I watched this guy come into his position before I left. He is 33, MARRIED, with a WIFE AT HOME AND TWO CHILDREN...They were getting together at work, and once even drove an hour away to meet up at a hotel near where he lived.

I was able to read all the text messages between him and her from August 8 - 26th when I found out. What I read made me sick to my stomach, the graphic details, the laughing at my emotions and efforts to win her back, it was all surreal. After reading enough, I confronted her and woke her up; she lost it and was appalled that I got into her phone (I'm a crafty SOB). She told me she did it to "punish herself". Things blew up and I said a lot of mean things about her and him, and the whole situation deteriorated, although I never hit her or anything like that. She was so in shock she had almost no emotions, although she told me she was sorry, felt terrible, like garbage, etc., etc. Her parents ended up taking her side and supporting her and bought her "we were already broken up" bull ****. They gave an ultimatum of me moving out, or her (we are both on the lease so I wasn't going anywhere).

She ended up saying she didn't feel safe around me due to how I blew up when I found out (who wouldn't lose their ****, jesus). She stayed in hotels and with friends for the next few days and I guess used that time to think and let emotions flow. We had some periodic contact, but I was a total train wreck, and I almost couldn't even work. Eventually she came to the apartment, alone to get a few essentials and was acting like everything was fine. Then she went back to her typical hotel/ couch hopping situation. Then a few days later she texts me she's staying at the apartment for the night...I asked a few more questions and she confirmed permanently...(Till our lease is up in December and we graduate).

So now she has been back, and has been going out every night with friends, and AFAIK the relationship with him is over, because I contacted his wife and provided proof of the situation, her parents now know, and her potential for losing her position at her job is too great. I have been going out on the regular as well and trying to see other women to kind of move on and build myself up, but it wasn't really working out.

Now here we are, yesterday, I ended up contacting his wife (haven't since the 26th/27th of august) just to check-in and make sure she was doing okay, maybe talk about some things and get some advice. Well she relays that to her hubby (who she forgave), who relayed it to my ex. So I come home yesterday and she is there quiet and seemingly frustrated. She told me what she had been told, and asked me what it was about...I lost it emotionally. We ended up sitting on the couch and I poured it all out there, despite that being what I DIDN'T want to do. I told her how betrayed I felt, and how terrible I felt about how I neglected to give her the attention she deserved as appreciation, along with her not deserving all the assholish things I had said to her over the years. Despite not seeing her emotional through this whole prior situation, as I was explaining all this I saw her face jamming up with emotions and wanting to cry, but holding back hard as ****. She was finally seeing my viewpoint.

So here we are today, I still love this woman more than anything on the planet, and I am not a guy who can take a girl back after such a situation, especially considering who it was with...but yet I still find myself wanting to, because love. Love is a horrible and amazing thing at the same time. Last night after our situation, she took a ride with me in my car to Wal-mart so we could get some essentials for the apartment, and she was legitimately happy, as if my letting my intentions and feelings known made her feel better, but I do know that she is genuinely sorry for what happened, and I personally feel like trash for all the **** I said/did to her over the past few years, and I could more or less understand WHY she did it, even though it does not EXCUSE it. Seeing as we were only boyfriend/girlfriend, it wasn't as bad as if we had been married or had children.

I look at her, and I can tell she wants me back, but I feel like she doesn't want to pursue due to feeling like pond scum when she's around me. We went out to the mall today and both got some new sunglasses as "friends" and went to out to eat, then I dropped her off at class. She is planning on going out tonight with her friends (primarily female european friend).

HERE IS THE MEAT AND POTATOES of WHY I'm here:

I feel like crap, and this whole situation was unwarranted (mostly) on my part. I feel partially responsible, and as a man I accept my inadequacies. She certainly could have done more to communicate before doing what she did, but he was flirting with her and she was sucking it all up, and she has a rough past, so I can see how that could get to her. With all that considered, I still love her, and although it's tough to imagine an intimate relationship again with those self-created images in my head...I can't imagine life without her. She says she doesn't think she could ever put herself through being back with me, but the way she said it wasn't full of sincerity. I realize I would have to put a lot of self-respect aside to take her back, but at the same time I feel like what we would be able to do from there would be much stronger and we would never allow things to get to that point again. I just want some honest input here guys, society is quick to judge a cheater, and so was I; but love is one hell of a drug, and if I was to take her back I want to make sure it's the right decision I make, not just one I don't because of society judging, parents, etc.

I brought this girl up from being treated like a slave at her former household, taught her everything I could teach her to be successful and safe. I bought her jewelry and other items, but she really didn't want any of that. All she ever wanted was my attention, appreciation, and love...and I failed to give that to her properly midway through our journey, which is why she sought it out elsewhere. Please give me any advice, past experience, input you possibly can. No judgement here, just don't be a basher who sits there and says "**** all cheaters, they must die" etc. etc. Cheaters are terrible, but they have some form of insecurity.

EDIT: HOLY ****, I didn't realize I typed this much. Please read it all, but here is the main summary:

TL;DR: Dated the love of my life for 4 years and 8 months, found out said girl cheated on me over a period of two weeks, confronted her, things fell apart. Things are now getting slightly better/more hospitable, I still love this woman, can tell she still loves me, but seems to be trying to not act on it. Help.
 

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Op I dont know you but someone needs to say it, move on. I know its tough but it was tough and didnt work out. Think about it this way, if she had been really stressed and been cold to you would you cheat? Maybe Im living in a fantasy but love should have kept you guys together even when times get tough. I have trouble in my relationship because Im closed off but my fiance knows I love her and she loves me back and thats enough to keep us together.

Dont fall into the trap, nothing will change, you cant fix it and you cannt take back what you said.
 

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Hardcore Devotee
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My experience was kinda similar. My wife did alot of crappy stuff when we were first together but she was really immature and we were both young. After college and breaking up a million times, things got alot better and we have been together for almost 10 years now and almost never fight. We have three kids, a house and all that stuff. It all depends on how bad both parties want to make it work. If either side isn't in it 100%, it's not going to work. Be prepared for most people to tell you not to bother with her. Not to sound rude, but being blunt....it sounds like she had a rough life and may have some self esteem issues which may never go away. I would also caution that some people can't be fixed.... You need to look at everything objectively and decide whether it's worth trying again. She needs to be ready as well. If she is saying she doesn't want to do it, then definitely do not push the issue. Let things happen on there own.
 

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I had a relationship that was "cloud 9" from ages 16-19ish but from 19-22 we both changed a lot from our HS days, both different people with more change to come. It became toxic. At the time we basically agreed certain things that had transpired were enough to end us. At the time I thought it was the end of my world, but slowly I started to see the light as time went by and I moved on.

We hadn't discovered ourselves anywhere close to know what was really a priority to us. What I took away from that relationship was a wide range of things I wanted to change about myself and some qualities in a woman that I adored and some I could do without.

Looking back now, she played a huge roll in helping me become self aware of a person I didn't want to be and certain things I could and couldn't accept in a woman.

When things were good, they were GREAT, but when they were bad, omfg.

Don't get caught up with one girl that you have to try this hard with. Sure, relationships take hard work and while I think my wife and I have great chemistry, we still have to manage our relationship sometimes.

I will tell you this, patterns repeat themselves and if you don't tend to the emotional fulfilment that a woman needs to feel safe/secure/loved/wanted etc with you, she will find a way to fill that void in some shape or form. Sounds like that's what happened in your case. Don't focus so much on what she did, but why she did it, and carry that learning experience over to your next relationship.
 

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DSMs are cool...
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I will have been dating my girlfriend for 5 years in October. We have had our ups and downs and have been to the point of saying we are done but have always come back. We obviously both love each other very much and things are fairly good, but there is a lot going on in life right now that can play into our relationship not seeming as happy as it should. When we got into our rough times we would always ask, how do you know when enough is enough? Well the only sure answer I could ever know is that if one of us got to the point of cheating, things have moved into a point where they were never going to work out between us. If she cheated on me, I would be devastated and I know she would feel sorry and I know I would still love her, but that isn't the point. The point is that I would have to look at our time together for what is was and be happy for what we had but at the same time let go to the idea that we were meant to be together. I was a douchebag to my girlfriend for the third year of our relationship for a number of reasons and like you, I didn't realize it until things blew up. Since then I have worked hard to not be that person, and so far it has been going well, but that doesn't mean everything is going to be fixed, I mean we still don't know if we will last, but we are still trying every day. There are no slip-ups allowed, at least not in the extent of cheating.

What I am saying is, her cheating isn't the issue you need to break up with her and move on over, the issues you need to leave behind are the ones that led up to the cheating, the ones that still couldn't be fixed no matter how hard you tried to fix them. Take the time you spent with her and think of the good times and learn from the bad, but move on and don't look back. Things didn't get to this point because you were meant to be together.

---------- Post added at 09:51 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:48 PM ----------

I had a relationship that was "cloud 9" from ages 16-19ish but from 19-22 we both changed a lot from our HS days, both different people with more change to come. It became toxic. At the time we basically agreed certain things that had transpired were enough to end us. At the time I thought it was the end of my world, but slowly I started to see the light as time went by and I moved on.

We hadn't discovered ourselves anywhere close to know what was really a priority to us. What I took away from that relationship was a wide range of things I wanted to change about myself and some qualities in a woman that I adored and some I could do without.

Looking back now, she played a huge roll in helping me become self aware of a person I didn't want to be and certain things I could and couldn't accept in a woman.

When things were good, they were GREAT, but when they were bad, omfg.

Don't get caught up with one girl that you have to try this hard with. Sure, relationships take hard work and while I think my wife and I have great chemistry, we still have to manage our relationship sometimes.

I will tell you this, patterns repeat themselves and if you don't tend to the emotional fulfilment that a woman needs to feel safe/secure/loved/wanted etc with you, she will find a way to fill that void in some shape or form. Sounds like that's what happened in your case. Don't focus so much on what she did, but why she did it, and carry that learning experience over to your next relationship.
This is solid advice and describes a lot of what my relationship is at this point..definitely something to think about for the future..
 
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I would say move on as well. There is a reason things went south the first time, what makes you think they wont go south again. Yes, you are going to try for a while, but then you will both fall back into the same pattern that led to all this.

Also, you lost her trust. how can you ever trust her again? its going to be very hard for you, and that will add more stress to the relationship.

And the truth is, if she did it once, she will do it again most likely than not. From my personal experience, my ex kissed a guy after our 2 year anniversary, we were living together at the time. I took her back, and then 4 months later she did it again with a different guy.
 
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I haven't read everyone else's responses yet, just read through your story and here's my take.

Breaking up with her is the right thing. I understand you fell for her hard, and that y'all loved each other, and that for various reasons it fizzled out on you two. That's really ok.

When you were trying to make it work with her, when you realized what you were doing wrong (and both of you did things wrong up to and after you discovered the cheating) and tried to fix what you could, the ball was in her court. But it appears she had already made her choice, and wasn't looking for someone to replace you, but for someone to punish you with, someone you knew, someone she could throw away.

Now, I think contacting the guy's wife was a bad call. I don't fault you for it, I understand it completely, but that's not your place to tattle on him, and as you can see it fell back on you. I understand the feeling of his wife sharing your experience, etc, but everyone handles things differently, and apparently they're all making you out to be the bad guy here (which you aren't).

Now you two have a shared lease till december. If she's going to stay, it's going to make things hard. If you're going to stay, it's going to make things hard because it's VERY hard to go from being lovers to being hostile roommates.

One of you should leave. You can get the lease re-written for whoever keeps the apartment, you can get a roommate to cover the other half of expenses, etc, but one of you really should leave just so that you don't have that daily contact driving the aggression up. Not a bad idea to have the two of you talk about it in a neutral place with a neutral person to keep everything civil. The hard part (I know from experience) is to work to be fair and not let anger take over. At this point, your relationship with her is business only, and the sooner you can remove yourself from that relationship in it's entirety, the better. Then both of you can heal, move on with life, and learn from it.

Now, as far as her reaction in getting the big guy at work to **** her, that shows that when the relationship gets rocky, she's not at the stage where she wants to stick with it and adapt/fix it, instead she's going to get hers and be done with it. Perhaps it could have been saved earlier in the relationship, but again, that's why we go through this stuff to learn from it and make adjustments to ourselves so we don't do that again.

I know you've got a long history with her, I know you loved her, and I know you feel like ****. The best thing to do is get her out of your life, the quickest and simplest way possible. One of you needs to move ASAP, the lease can be handled, it's not a big deal. All you should have to do is talk to the landlord.
Get out, have fun, move on. You'll feel better.
 

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Endangered Species
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I haven't read everyone else's responses yet, just read through your story and here's my take.

Breaking up with her is the right thing. I understand you fell for her hard, and that y'all loved each other, and that for various reasons it fizzled out on you two. That's really ok.

When you were trying to make it work with her, when you realized what you were doing wrong (and both of you did things wrong up to and after you discovered the cheating) and tried to fix what you could, the ball was in her court. But it appears she had already made her choice, and wasn't looking for someone to replace you, but for someone to punish you with, someone you knew, someone she could throw away.

Now, I think contacting the guy's wife was a bad call. I don't fault you for it, I understand it completely, but that's not your place to tattle on him, and as you can see it fell back on you. I understand the feeling of his wife sharing your experience, etc, but everyone handles things differently, and apparently they're all making you out to be the bad guy here (which you aren't).

Now you two have a shared lease till december. If she's going to stay, it's going to make things hard. If you're going to stay, it's going to make things hard because it's VERY hard to go from being lovers to being hostile roommates.

One of you should leave. You can get the lease re-written for whoever keeps the apartment, you can get a roommate to cover the other half of expenses, etc, but one of you really should leave just so that you don't have that daily contact driving the aggression up. Not a bad idea to have the two of you talk about it in a neutral place with a neutral person to keep everything civil. The hard part (I know from experience) is to work to be fair and not let anger take over. At this point, your relationship with her is business only, and the sooner you can remove yourself from that relationship in it's entirety, the better. Then both of you can heal, move on with life, and learn from it.

Now, as far as her reaction in getting the big guy at work to **** her, that shows that when the relationship gets rocky, she's not at the stage where she wants to stick with it and adapt/fix it, instead she's going to get hers and be done with it. Perhaps it could have been saved earlier in the relationship, but again, that's why we go through this stuff to learn from it and make adjustments to ourselves so we don't do that again.

I know you've got a long history with her, I know you loved her, and I know you feel like ****. The best thing to do is get her out of your life, the quickest and simplest way possible. One of you needs to move ASAP, the lease can be handled, it's not a big deal. All you should have to do is talk to the landlord.
Get out, have fun, move on. You'll feel better.
Good stuff Woodman, fortunately there is no hostility between us. I forgave her because after thinking about it for a while what's done is done, and being spiteful won't make anything better. She and I have been very nice to each other, and have had some pretty good talks. We will make it to december, that part isn't changing because neither of us can handle that stress of moving right now so close to graduation. To all of you providing this great input and various viewpoints, I thank you.
 

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Good stuff Woodman, fortunately there is no hostility between us. I forgave her because after thinking about it for a while what's done is done, and being spiteful won't make anything better. She and I have been very nice to each other, and have had some pretty good talks. We will make it to december, that part isn't changing because neither of us can handle that stress of moving right now so close to graduation. To all of you providing this great input and various viewpoints, I thank you.
Glad to offer it. The ultimate thing to remember, don't go back. It'll happen again, faster, and with more drama.
 
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I think the answer is to move on and after awhile, look back on the situation with as little bias as you can and evaluate it.

You state everything was unwarranted by you but that's simply saying she's the only one at fault. As you started the story it's just like any normal relationship. Things in relationships are good and easy for the first 1-2 years. Then after that they slowly start to no longer be in that honeymoon phase and start to require work. In your story it took several years of neglect and being an asshole for things to get really bad. Then you tried for 1 week and still felt something was wrong. When you go back and evaluate later you're going to have to see what you also did wrong to warrant her response.

What I'm getting is that you were in a long term relationship with her. As you guys got into the phase that requires work and effort from both people, no one put in the effort. The relationship deteriorated and slowly fell apart because you weren't making it a priority to make it work (I'm guessing the same is true from her side). With a broken relationship and no effort to fix it (removing the 1 week you stated), it's easy for people to look for the greener grass on the other side of the fence.

As much as it hurts right now and how you cannot see yourself without her, that will pass.
 

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OldandFurious
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Move on, this will eat you up forever

I will tell you this, patterns repeat themselves and if you don't tend to the emotional fulfilment that a woman needs to feel safe/secure/loved/wanted etc with you, she will find a way to fill that void in some shape or form. Sounds like that's what happened in your case. Don't focus so much on what she did, but why she did it, and carry that learning experience over to your next relationship.
HD nailed it right here ^.
Move on. If you stay together each time there is a 'situation' the past will rear it's ugly head again, again, and again. Good luck!!!
 

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Hell I wouldnt of told her you found out she was cheating, just would of put all her stuff on the curb with a sign that says "Free ****!"
 

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Endangered Species
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So how did this all panned out now that it is December?
Still living with her for four more days. About a month ago I did a little more CIA recon, and discovered she was talking to yet another guy, the dude looked a lot like me, which shows that she wants me without the asshole side; but once I discovered it she ended it with him shortly after for some reason. A while after that she grew close to her female friend, and when I say close...I mean CLOSE, so I questioned her about it; she didn't deny anything, so who knows she seems super confused sexually. Either way, as of now we are on good terms, I got some fun time out of her if you know what I mean, for the remainder of our time together, and she bought me plenty of gifts and food and such (just had a nice free Christmas dinner) but honestly it's all from the guilt, coming to the realization that I'm really not all that bad of a guy, and realizing we will soon be less in touch. 90% sure it'll never work out between us, sucks, but she made her bed and now has to lay in it; she made her choice. I've recently found another girl and have been keeping bait on the hook, but moving along slow as molasses. The girl worships me like a god and it's kind of weird to have a girl actually appreciate me instead of berate me for once. Do you have any idea how good it feels to go to pound town on the ex's bed? The gratification is unreal lol. New girl has some personal and past issues, but nothing too over the top and she has one hell of a body...just chugging along to see if she's dating material. If the ex finds out she's gonna break internally, guaranteed. New girl is much cuter, and has all the physical traits I prefer.

Oh, and side note, I walked the stage for graduation, then failed my French class lol. So 2 A's, a B, and an F this semester, not too shabby considering all that occurred and how hard it hit me alongside not taking French in 10 years. I am retaking the course this spring then I'm done and moving on to the military as planned.
 

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